Layers of surrender. It seems to me our walk of salvation is a life of surrender and if the very core of who we are is not being liberated or challenged daily then likely we are not who we think we are.
It's really not possible to surrender in our own ability and I think
this is perhaps the most pivotal point of salvation. We can say we
surrender but how can we be free of the very thing that enslaves called
me. A life of inability and fear that has been our core that is masked
in success and self righteousness. How can we surrender when we don't
even know what it is we must do to be right?
It was recently I was challenged of a greater depth I had never seen
before or really knew existed. Sure I had seen images my imagination and
spirit had envisioned but yet here I am faced with a whole different
reality to what my imagination had drawn. My imagination in its desire
to protect me had taken the flashes of life emanating from my spirit and
drawn a scenario around it. The only problem with this was it is my
imagination and imagination is not reality. So faced with the reality of
what I saw, it was the glimpse of nakedness and vulnerability before my
God I liked but yet I hated. It demanded a response and it was obvious
in and of who I am there is and was no ability to act.
It the inability of action all I could ultimately do was say God I
surrender but you will have to take that surrender and help me. I have
no way of living surrender and know in reality I will go back to what I
have always understood and lived. In reality I am in fear that just
maybe God is not there in the way I thought He was. Just maybe he does
not see me the way I hoped he did and just maybe I was on my own. Faced
with this hidden part of life out of my inner man bubbled hope yet out
of my immediate reality was death, fear depression and anxiety as I
stared at the reality of who I could now see I am. It just seemed
easier to go back to who I have always been and lived, the issue was
this was now impossible and I knew it.
Yes I can only say from my being "I surrender" but the actions beyond
that I have no control over. The act of surrender was co-joined to the
creator. It just needed me to agree and then God could only do the rest
as how can I surrender to create a new reality when I have no idea what
that is supposed to be. I cannot draw a picture in my head or
imagination of what that surrender looks like on the other side. As how
can a man stop being a man? yes I can acknowledge that beyond the
surrender there is no identity to fall back on. Now I must allow God to
create a new reality. A new man and a new fresh day. But how do I trust
this unseen God with my very life, my very core, my daily needs and
expression desires and love?
How can one abandon life ? How can one expect to give into what seems
a deep endless and bottomless void of faith and not panic? This is what
I had now come face to face with. Faith had indeed become very
individual and tailored to who I am and this was perhaps part of the
issue. You see we like the crowd, we all profess individuality but in
reality we are sheep who follow and have gone astray. Yet here I was
with individuality screaming at me and all I wanted was someone who has
been this way before I can use as a point of reference. I needed to know
it was OK and I could trust this God I cannot see with my eyes. Yet the
despair set in when I could see there is no such person. I was created
for individual intimacy that was part of corporate responsibility. I was
failing and like a man drowning in his own life I gasped for any little
puff of air.
I had seen life one way and now culminating around me was the
pinnacle of life through death. Yes I had thought I was dead to this
world in some small way yet now I see his world was in every layer of my
life. So faced with such all I could say was I surrender God, but in
reality what I surrender, without you taking it I will go back to being
who I have always been. But in that very act vulnerability arrived like I
have never known. Can I live the life of no life? Can I cast down the
imaginations of my mind I have adhered to and yes ultimately can I exist
in this world while not existing. Can I struggle and have no struggle
and ultimately can I abide in a new reality wanting to burst forth in my
life. Something I can do nothing but say have your way oh God and out
of the cry of my heart I find the surrender of me less painful.
Yes my mind cannot trust God and in reality never will be able to.
If any person can say "I trust god" they are God of their own world.
What they are really saying is "I trust myself". Such a one has never
surrendered the very core of who they are. Unless we see the futility of
life how can surrender? Our mind has indeed just created another
scenario it placed a God of some form into to create a peaceful
existence to hide in and survive.
It is not that I don't think but rather that I now act by the
positioning of life. My head loses its reason and my heart thinks with a
new found life that is in no hurry. You see my head has spent a
lifetime making sense and striving to control through understanding. It
has ruled the moment, ruled the environment called "me". It had a built
in mechanism to pad everything I have done to hide reality as a means
of protection. It had created its own reality of self and at its core
level had made itself the master . The God of self who had ultimate
power and control to do, say and be what seemed good at the time.
Yet here I am now surrendering in its entirety this life called me. The fool that I am yet the freedom I have become!